Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Attachment Patterns Shape Adult Connection
Alex Penrod, MS, LPC, LCDC — Founder & EMDR Therapist | Neuro Nuance Therapy and EMDR, PLLC | Austin, TX
Understanding attachment styles in relationships can help explain why certain relational patterns repeat, especially in close, emotionally meaningful connections. Many people notice they respond strongly to emotional distance, conflict, or closeness with romantic partners, loved ones, and other attachment figures, often having a hard time explaining why.
As an EMDR therapist in Austin, TX, I work with attachment dynamics on a daily basis, which makes this topic something I’ve reflected on a lot over the years. It’s why I decided to write this page, to help more people understand the value of attachment theory beyond pop psychology and overly simplified social media content.
Attachment theory offers a framework for understanding these patterns not as flaws or fixed traits, but as adaptive attachment behaviors shaped through early relationships and carried into adult life. People experience different attachment styles in different ways, and these patterns can either support healthy relationships or contribute to ongoing relationship problems over time.
Table of Contents
Attachment Styles: Quick Facts
- Secure attachment is the most common attachment pattern in adults.
- Large research samples suggest approximately 55–65% of adults show predominantly secure attachment patterns.
- About 35–45% of adults show anxious, avoidant, or mixed insecure attachment patterns.
- Disorganized attachment is less common in general populations and appears more frequently in trauma-exposed or clinical samples.
- Attachment patterns are not diagnoses and reflect adaptive responses to early and ongoing relational experiences.
- Research shows attachment patterns can change over time through new relational experiences, including psychotherapy.
Data sources include peer-reviewed research by Fraley, R. C. and Cassidy (2013) .
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles describe patterns of emotional attachment, the different ways people organize closeness, safety, and emotional support in relationships. These attachment types develop early in life through repeated interactions with a primary caregiver and other early attachment figures.
John Bowlby’s foundational work in child development described attachment as an organized attachment process designed to maintain proximity and safety. As attachment develops, these early relational experiences influence emotional development, thought patterns, coping mechanisms, and expectations in later relationships.
Attachment styles are not static traits. They reflect adaptive strategies shaped by experience and can shift in different ways across contexts, relationships, and stages of life.
Why Attachment Styles Matter in Romantic Relationships
Attachment patterns tend to become most visible in romantic relationships and other emotionally intimate connections. In adult relationships, attachment styles influence how people:
Seek emotional closeness and emotional support
Respond to conflict and attempts at conflict resolution
Experience emotional intimacy and connection
Interpret emotional distance, rejection, or abandonment
Regulate emotions during relational stress
During moments of uncertainty, such as changes in relationship status, conflict with romantic partners, or perceived emotional withdrawal, attachment strategies often activate automatically. These patterns can shape how people relate to each other, sometimes reinforcing stable relationships and sometimes creating cycles of misunderstanding or disconnection.
The Four Main Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
Attachment styles are best understood as patterns of relating, not labels. Most adults show a mix of attachment tendencies, and attachment behaviors may shift depending on the relationship and life circumstances.
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment generally experience relationships as a source of safety, support, and connection. They tend to hold a positive view of themselves and others, which supports trust, emotional balance, and resilience during conflict.
In relationships, secure attachment often involves:
Comfort with emotional closeness and independence
Effective communication and repair after conflict
Trust in loved ones and the relationship bond
The ability to maintain high self-esteem while staying emotionally connected
Secure attachment does not mean the absence of distress. Rather, it reflects the capacity to navigate challenges while preserving emotional connection in a secure way.
Anxious Attachment Style (Ambivalent / Preoccupied)
Anxious attachment, also known as ambivalent attachment, is often associated with high levels of sensitivity to relationship cues and a strong need for reassurance. An anxiously attached person may experience fear of rejection or fear of abandonment when closeness feels uncertain.
This attachment style may include:
Heightened emotional responses to perceived distance
Fluctuations in self-esteem tied to relationship security
A strong desire for closeness with romantic partners
Difficulty feeling reassured even when care is present
Attachment issues for anxiously attached individuals often become most noticeable during periods of uncertainty, conflict, or emotional distance.
Avoidant Attachment Style (Dismissive)
Avoidant attachment, sometimes referred to as dismissive attachment style, often involves minimizing emotional needs and prioritizing independence. People with avoidant attachment may value self-reliance and feel uncomfortable relying on others during times of stress.
This can show up as:
Emotional withdrawal during conflict
Difficulty expressing vulnerability
A tendency to create emotional distance
Discomfort with dependence or closeness
Avoidant styles typically reflect learned coping strategies that once helped maintain safety. In romantic relationships, an avoidant partner may have a hard time staying emotionally engaged during conflict, even when care and attachment are present.
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
Disorganized attachment, sometimes described as anxious-avoidant attachment, involves conflicting attachment strategies. People with this pattern often desire closeness while simultaneously fearing it.
This attachment style may include:
Push–pull dynamics in intimate relationships
Confusion around emotional needs
Intense emotional responses paired with withdrawal
Difficulty trusting others despite wanting connection
Disorganized attachment is more often associated with relational trauma or early experiences where caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear.
Insecure Attachment Is Not a Personality Disorder
Insecure attachment styles are frequently misunderstood. Attachment insecurity is not a personality disorder, diagnosis, or fixed identity. Instead, attachment types describe relational strategies that develop to manage closeness, safety, and emotional needs.
Many people with insecure attachment styles maintain meaningful relationships, careers, and emotional insight. Distress often arises when attachment behaviors interact with stress, trauma, or unmet emotional needs, not from the attachment style itself.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. Attachment styles are relational and dynamic, not permanent. Self-awareness is often the first step, but lasting change typically requires more than insight alone.
Over time, change may involve:
Shifts in attachment behaviors
Greater emotional regulation
Increased tolerance for closeness or independence
New ways of responding to relational stress
As people develop new relational experiences, attachment patterns can become more flexible and secure across the lifespan.
How Attachment Therapy Supports Healing
Attachment-focused therapy offers a space to explore attachment patterns as they emerge in real relationships. Therapy itself can function as a secure base, supporting reflection, emotional regulation, and integration.
Approaches such as EMDR and parts-based therapy can help address attachment wounds related to trauma, unresolved relational experiences, and long-standing attachment issues. Many people find that therapy supports healthier relationship patterns, deeper emotional intimacy, and more stable relationships over time.
You can learn more about attachment-focused therapy for relationship patterns on our Attachment Therapy service page.
Frequently Asked Questions About Attachment Styles
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Many people search for an attachment style quiz to better understand their relationships. While most online quizzes oversimplify attachment dynamics, some research-based self-report measures are widely used in adult attachment research.
One example is an attachment assessment developed by researcher R. Chris Fraley, based on decades of peer-reviewed research and reflected in work such as Attached and The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. These assessments can support self-awareness by highlighting attachment-related tendencies.
You can find Fraley’s assessment at the Department of Psychology at the University of Illinois
Self-report measures cannot fully capture how attachment patterns show up in real relationships, especially under stress. In therapy, attachment is understood as relational and context-dependent rather than a fixed label.
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Yes. Many people show a mix of attachment tendencies that vary across relationships, contexts, and stages of life.
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Attachment patterns can shift based on emotional safety, relationship dynamics, and life circumstances. Some people feel more secure in certain relationships than others.
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Self-help resources can increase insight, but therapy offers relational experiences that support emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and lasting change, especially when attachment patterns are linked to trauma or long-standing relationship difficulties.
When to Seek Support
Relationships are a central part of life. When attachment injuries manifest as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns in adult relationships it can be highly disruptive and cause a great deal of distress. Individuals with insecure attachment styles often enter into relationships with others in ways that initially feel promising, but as intimacy builds disruptive patterns can emerge, often sabotaging the relationship and leaving both partners feeling like they always “choose the wrong person.” If you’ve ever told yourself this, the good news is it may be due to something that can change rather than just having bad luck. It can take a lot of work but it’s well worth it.
When attachment patterns are contributing to ongoing relationship distress, emotional disconnection, or repeated conflict with romantic partners or loved ones, working with a licensed therapist can help. If you’re interested in learning more about how trauma therapies like EMDR can be used to help heal attachment injuries and build healthier relationships, Neuro Nuance Therapy and EMDR offers free 15-minute consultations to explore if this type of therapy may be the right fit.
Alex Penrod, MS, LPC, LCDC
EMDR Therapist | Founder | Neuro Nuance Therapy and EMDR, PLLC
Austin, TX
Last Updated: December 14, 2025
Disclaimer: This page is meant for educational purposes only and should not be taken as medical or clinical advice for the diagnosis or treatment of any medical condition. Consult with a licensed mental health professional for personalized guidance.
References
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https://psychology.psy.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/inge_origins%20DP1992.pdf
Cassidy, J., Jones, J. D., & Shaver, P. R. (2013). Contributions of attachment theory and research: A framework for future research, translation, and policy. Development and Psychopathology, 25(4 Pt 2), 1415–1434. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579413000692
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https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12411
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